


Horny Hijinx

by BadassBeluga69 (ShamanicShaymin)



Series: Badass Beluga's Badfics & Art From Hell [2]
Category: Cuphead (Video Game), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here, All this before Dr. Kahl's robot..., Blimps Being Awesome, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Brother/Brother Incest, Cagney Carnation is Not Amused, Deliberate Badfic, Double Penetration in One Hole, Femdom, Humiliation, Ice As Lube, Ice Play, Loki (Marvel) is Not Amused, Loki Ruining Everybody's Fun Time, Loki is a Sore Loser, Meanwhile the Devil and King Dice are watching this while smoking cigars, Multi, Oral Sex, Peanut Butter as Lube, Pegging, Revenge Sex, Sexually Frustrated Loki (Marvel), Sexy Flowers, Spanking, This is an abomination in every shape and form, This is the only time I'm writing Cupcest, Vines, Women Being Awesome, glass dildo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 10:06:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17404907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShamanicShaymin/pseuds/BadassBeluga69
Summary: Loki is frustrated at his inability to do well in Cuphead, especially against the sexually attractive flower boss known as Cagney Carnation. What does he do? Teleport himself inside the game, of course! But he gets more than he ever bargained for... A sizzling sex romp with an intelligent literary storyline guaranteed to make the 1970s jealous. Where's my movie deal, Marvel?





	Horny Hijinx

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SmallDickSteveRogers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmallDickSteveRogers/gifts).



> I typed this entirely on my phone with no sleep. I deserve a Nobel Prize.

“Goddammit, I hate this game!” Loki ejaculated, slamming his controller to the floor. For the past several hours, he had been playing a dumb mortal game known as “Cuphead.” He scoffed when he heard his brother Thor had struggled with it. What could be so difficult about a game created by humans that featured dumb 1920s cartoons?

Over and over Loki died, and over and over, he grew familiar with the sound of cups breaking. Over and over, he watched as Cuphead was smashed to smithereens and floated as a little angel while all the bosses mocked him with terrible puns. Even reluctantly teaming up with Thor (his dumb hammerhead brother was Cuphead; Loki preferred the smarter and less brash brother Mugman) the enemies didn’t get any easier. With some teamwork, Goopy le Grande, the Root Pack, and Ribby & Croaks met their defeats, but that dumb bitch Hilda Berg bested them every time! They were so so close, but Hilda in her moon form would beam him up with her UFOs before he even got a chance to revive Thor! Every. Single. Time!

But worst of all was Cagney Carnation. Ohhhhhh, that Cagney! Why was that early form so cute? Why were his hands so hypnotizing? That dance of his entranced the frost giant more than the balls of any man and the breasts of any woman. Every flower in the gardens of Asgard looked like dirty old dead weeds compared to the majesty of that single carnation. But there’s no way that could be a carnation, carnations in real life looked nothing like Cagney! (Stupid inferior cartoons!) And that samba! He can never get that samba out of his head! When Loki and Thor barely make it to the third and final stage, Cagney’s fangs and vines awakened feelings of lust the trickster god could not understand.

” _Extreme_ _pollination_ _and_ _total_ _domination_!”

Cagney’s taunts imprinted themselves into Loki’s brain. Total domination indeed... why can’t he dominate Cagney?

“Brother, calm down! It’s just a game.” Thor reminded.

”Easy for you to say!” Loki sneered. “You’re not the one being driven to madness by voluptuous flora.”

”Whoa man, sounds like you need a break.” Thor cautioned. “We can always try again later.”

”I want to beat him _now_!” Loki shouted. “If I was there in person, I could’ve invaded the entire Inkwell Isles!” Then the trickster god grinned. “In fact, this gives me an idea...”

”Good gosh, Loki, no!” cried Thor, for he understood the danger. But it was too late! Loki picked up his staff, pointed it at the TV, and sucked himself into the world of Cuphead!

~

First things first, Loki decided, he was going to find Cagney Carnation and take his virginity as well as his contract. Rather than bother with the other debtors, the frost giant took the shortcut that Thor showed him (though he did lie waste to the “Run N’ Gun” levels so he could buy a glass dildo from Porkrind’s Emporium. Gotta have extra items to “pork” his lust object, after all!) Unfortunately for Loki, Cagney Carnation was nowhere near as pure as his first form presented himself to be... and not just fighting-wise.

”Ohhhhh, Cagney!” Cuphead gasped. The vulnerable cup and his brother were completely naked, their shirts and pants ripped apart by thorns and lying discarded in the grass. Cuphead was completely tied up by the giant flower’s vines, one juggling his balls and squeezing his little cup cock while another pumped in and out of his ass like a thirsty tentacle. Mugman draped his body over Cagney’s dick (Or was it a cone? How the hell did flower anatomy work anyway?) groaning like a cow giving birth as he licked the nectar oozing from the tip.

Loki found it a revolting sight.

”Uh, do you mind?” Cagney Carnation frowned, clearly unamused with the frost giant. “I’m a little busy getting laid here.”

“The only person you should be fornicating is your new god!” Loki declared. He spread his arms and waved his staff, blasting the cup brothers from their positions and onto the grass.

”Nooooooo! I was soooooooo close!” Cuphead sobbed.

“My balls are bluer than my nose!” Mugman wept. “What are we gonna do!?”

“You know, I could always do _you_.” Cuphead winked.

”Gee whiz!” Mugman blushed. “But shouldn’t we be trying to help Cagney?”

”He can take care of himself against a dumb horny guy with an ego complex.” Cuphead said. “Now lets 69!”

”Ohhhhh boy!” Mugman cheered. “Okay!” So the cup brothers lay down and stuffed their “other straws” into their mouths.

”Ugh! And I thought the time Thor and I banged was bad enough.” Loki made a face.

”I’m not handin’ my contract over to the likes of you! I don’t care if fangirls in the future cream over you!” Cagney shouted, clearly miffed his fun times got interrupted.

”Sounds like you’re jealous!” Loki smirked. “Now bow down and suck my dick!”

“Fine fine, whatever.” Cagney grumbled, pulling down the trickster god’s pants. To Loki’s credit, the flower did find his turgid tumescence quite appetizing. Cagney’s tongue had a hand of its own that massaged the head as he licked, which provided double the pleasure for the frost giant.

”Mmmm, yes, perfect!” Loki smiled in bliss. “Now turn around so I can stick this glass dildo in whatever serves as your bum among flowers.”

”Wow, you’re not even lubin’ it.” Cagney sneered. “That’s lame!”

”Who says that I’m not lubing it?” Loki pointed his staff at the glass dildo, coating it in a layer of frost. “Besides, I’m penetrating you as well!”

”OW! OW! JIMINY CRICKETS!” Cagney screamed. The poor flower clawed the soil as the merciless trickster god thrust himself and the glass dildo inside him, double-whamming his unprepared stem behind. His vines tried to pry the cruel frost giant off him, but Loki cackled and simply zapped them with his staff while he rocked himself to bliss.

”At last! I have finally conquered you, Cagney Carnation!” Loki bellowed. “Your contract and your soul belong to me now!”

”Not so fast, you Hulk-smashed wimp!” A voice yelled.

”Who dares defy me!?” Loki demanded. He turned to the sky and saw a familiar looking figure flying toward him. And golly was she pissed!

”You think you can just cheat your way through a video game you didn’t even finish?” Hilda Berg called out. “I got news for you, Cheater Cheater Pumpkin-Eater. Gamer bros like you _get_ _literally_ _fucked_!”

”Didn’t I beat you already, you silly girl?” Loki snarled. “Get out of my way, I have no sexual attraction towards moon blimps.”

”I think this is mine now.” Hilda said, taking the glass dildo. “HA!”

The red blimp’s “HA” blew Loki off his feet, forcing him to land on the leaves on his bottom. She snapped her fingers and lightning bolts struck the trickster god where he stood— _Why did it always_ have _to_ _be lightning?_ Loki thought bitterly. As his body lay smoking on the floor, Hilda formed a paddle out of a tiny cloud.

”Time for a spanking, you little bitch.” Hilda grinned.

”Ow! Ow!” Loki cried as she smacked his bare globes again and again, shading them as scarlet as Jupiter’s Red Spot. Why does this always happen to him? The humiliating tears couldn’t come pouring fast enough. When she was done, Hilda took out a permanent marker and wrote “SLUT” on his butt: “SL” on one cheek and “UT” on the other.

”Oh yeah, I was gonna do something about this.” Hilda said, referring to the glass dildo. She strapped it on to herself before using Loki’s staff to equip with the same ice he used before, along with an additional ingredient... a thick layer of peanut butter.

”Oh sweet Jotunheim, anything but _that_!” Loki howled.

”Let’s hope you don’t have allergies, ‘cause stars are all you’ll ever see!” Hilda taunted. She rammed her huge peanut donger into Loki’s tight rosebud, and the exquisite agony was unlike anything he had ever experienced. He longed for the days when he was sucked into vortexes or beaten up by the Hulk, he missed when Thor would steal his stars or Chance Time robbed him of his victory in Mario Party, he wished he could relive the moment he discovered medival wizards shat themselves in the Harry Potter universe... anything than being ridden up his internal stairway to heaven by this cackling red cartoon blimp with Betty Boop hair and an airplane army.

”I’ll let you go if you can recite the Konami Code!” Hilda snickered. “Repeat after me: Up up, down down, left right, left right, B A.”

”Up up... ohhhhh!” Easier said then done. Poor Loki kept cumming through commands, and often mixed up the results and was forced to start over from the beginning. But through shaking spent sobs, he finally answered with the entire correct code. He and his staff vanished on the spot—the glass dildo fell from Hilda’s hips and turned into sand, then blown away in the breeze.

”Hey! Are you okay?” Hilda called to Cagney.

”Holy shit, you saved my life.” The flower stared in awe.

”The bastard won’t be back for a long time. _If_  he comes back, that is!” The blimp smirked.

”Good riddance!” Cagney grumbled. “Ugggh... and I didn’t even get an orgasm.”

”Looks you owe me, by the way...” Hilda hooded her eyes mischievously.

”I sure do, don’t I?” Cagney smirked back. “Looks like we get a little fun after all...”

“Check your horoscope! It says you’ve got my boobs to grope!”

“Who needs the birds and bees when you get a taste of my honey?”

And so Hilda and Cagney got into sweet kinky vine action, each of them peaking for many a sweet eternity before falling asleep in each other’s arms.

~

”I hate this cursed game.” muttered Loki.

”Are you sure it’s necessary to get perfect scores before moving on to the next isle, brother?” Thor asked. “We’ve been fighting Hilda Berg for ages and this is getting boring.”

”We’ll continue when I _say_ we’ll continue!” Loki hissed. “...Fine. I’m sick of looking at her smug face anyway.”

”All right!” Thor cheered. After talking to King Dice and progressing through the story, he asked, “Who do you want to take on first? The candy princess, the clown, or the genie?”

”Baroness.” Loki corrected. “The genie is supposed to be irritating as sin. The sooner we get rid of the clown, the better.”

”I agree with you. Clowns are scary, man.”

After buying more equipment, the brothers started Carnival Kerfuffle.

”Why does Mugman drink out himself like that? Isn’t that his life force or something?” Thor asked. “You know, that white fluid looks a lot like...”

”UGH!” Loki scowled. “Of _course_ I’m in control of the more perverted brother.”


End file.
